I am fat. It sounds harsh but it’s true. I don’t say it like that because I have low self esteem or because I hate who I am. I state it like that because it is the most accurate description of how I look. Sure I’m curvy and voluptuous and many other more pleasant sounding words for “heavy” women but when it comes down to it I am fat. To me that word isn’t meant to hurt me or cause me discomfort, instead it provides a motivation I can’t receive by using “nicer” words to describe my body type. Now I’m not saying all women who are bigger or curvier are fat because they’re not. Some are incredibly healthy, beautiful women, but I’m not one of them. I’m incredibly unhealthy. I love fast food, and junk food, and really any food that is terrible for you, especially if it’s incredibly salty like chips or French fries. So there it is, my weakness in life is food, and it has made me fat.
I hate being fat. Now before people start screaming “You just said you didn’t hate it,” realize I don’t hate myself, I hate that I have allowed myself to become fat. These are two very different things. I love who I am as a person. I’ve had struggles and fought and clawed to become the woman I am today, and I still have many things to improve on, but I like who I am and I enjoy my life. What I don’t like are these many, many extra pounds I carry around all the time. I can hear people screaming now “Embrace who you are! Big is beautiful! Don’t let society convince you being skinny is the only way to be attractive.” To them I say, shut up. Half the people screaming that don’t know what it feels like to be so over weight and the other half can think and live however they are most comfortable, but for me I want to be healthy. I doubt I will ever be what society calls “skinny” I’m not built that way, but I also know that if I was healthy I wouldn’t be this heavy. I wouldn’t get winded walking up one flight of stairs. And I wouldn’t be exhausted and feeling like I want to pass out from one exercise session.
In my life right now it’s time for a change. I’ve known it for a while and I kept putting it off. I didn’t want to have to deal with it. It was going to be hard and I definitely enjoy the easy road. But I’ve already tried the easy road. I’ve done fad diets and they didn’t work, at least not long term. I need to change the way I treat my body, not just for a day, not just for a month, but for a life time. Don’t worry I’m not about to become a health nut who obsesses over calories. I can’t, I just love my junky food too much. What I do plan to do is introduce baby steps to hopefully help me lose weight. I’m going to be bold and not hide anything for this blog, and boy is it going to be embarrassing, but hopefully it will keep me motivated to reach my end goal of being healthy once again.