The Secret Fear

I’ve always known I was afraid of failure. However, recently I realized success scares me just as much if not more than failure. Logically it doesn’t make sense. How can I fear both failure and success? Well, one means I wasn’t good enough, and the other one means something has changed or will change. Both prospects terrify me.

I’ve lived most of my life circumventing these fears by never genuinely giving 100% of my effort to anything. That way I have an excuse either way. If I fail, it doesn’t matter because I didn’t give it my all and if I had I might not have failed.  If I succeed, then it reaffirms my bad behavior of not entirely trying. Plus it usually isn’t something super life-altering, so I don’t fear the change.

This habit has served me well so far, but it has also been a hindrance. Where would I be now if I didn’t live this way? I’ll never know the answer to that question, but it still haunts me. However, that question isn’t as nerve-racking as the knowledge that to achieve my current goals I can’t slack off. I can’t follow my pattern and only give a portion of my effort. I have to give 100%. And if I do that, either outcome, success or failure, terrifies me.