Procrastination: 1 Progression: 0

I was the queen of procrastination, once. When a teacher handed out an assignment, I knew exactly how long I could ignore it and still get the grade I desired. In some cases, I chose an acceptable grade rather than the desired grade, but I knew the choice was mine. Every time, I choose to procrastinate. Some assignments I ignored altogether. The overall effect one zero would have on my grade was so small it didn’t seem worth the effort. I honed this skill of procrastination, and then I graduated.

Most of my major life goals require a large amount of self-discipline.  Creating a blog, starting a youtube channel, writing novels, these are all aspirations I have. However, without the threat of a looming deadline my skills of procrastination have turned against me. The only real consequences are self-judgment and harsh personal critiques but having lived in my head all my life; this is nothing new. What is new is the anxiety and depression that follows my failures or lack of action.

My mind has a weird cacophony of voices. Some point out all the accomplishments I have done. All the times I’ve completed a goal or helped another. Some point out every tiny moment of failure no matter how small. The massive failures are screamed so loudly at times they drown out all the rest. Still, other voices are continually devising plans or role-playing possible real-life scenarios to prevent future surprises or failures.

Every day these voices fight for my attention and every day I have to decide who to listen to. I am on a tightrope of self-esteem. I teeter between hubris and self-loathing hoping to find a balance.