I Want You to Want Me

“What do you want?” he asks.

My heartbeat quickens, and I begin fidgeting with my fingers. I swallow, trying to get moisture back into my mouth. “I don’t know. Is there something you want?” I replied.

“That’s not how this works. I asked you first,” he said.

Back and forth we go until the conversation ends with nothing resolved. So many things I could have said. So many things I should have said and yet I said nothing. Fear grabbed my soul, and I stepped back when I should have stepped up.

“So what exactly are we doing? What is this?” I asked.

“I don’t know. What do you want it to be?” he replied.

“I want us to be moving towards being together. But if you don’t, then I’ll have to learn to live with that. I can’t force you to be with me. What’s more, I don’t want to have to force you. I deserve to be wanted.”

“But why would you want me?”

“I’m tired of putting myself out there and always getting hurt.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

Relationships can suck. They’re messy and hard and constantly changing. You have to place yourself in a vulnerable position to allow them to grow. That leaves you open to potential pain. Sometimes heartbreak cuts you so deep you physically feel the pain. You want to build a fortress and hide your heart inside where it can never be touched, but that doesn’t fix what has already broken.

My heart has shattered so many times I don’t know if I will ever find all the pieces. Yet I keep going back for more. I must be a masochist or addict because logic dictates I should stop seeking something that historically has only brought me pain, but I won’t. I will never give up hope. Someday someone will love me as much as I love them.